so i won’t let go

When you hear the Lord say something to you. When He promises you something, and you hold Him to it. When you pray, and wait, and pray, and wait, and wait some more, and wait sooooo much, …..and nothing happens.

Nothing ever happens.

And you find that 3 years later you are still waiting on that same promise. And many times you have just given up on the promise, but every time, you find that you can’t give up because you know He is faithful to keep his promises. So you just feel stuck. You can’t let go of His promises, but they aren’t going anywhere. So you’re just stuck. And it makes it hard for your heart to breathe.

When what you hope for seems so far away. Like it’s never going to be yours. Like you will never see it or taste it. Maybe the ship has sailed…..you say.

When you find that here you are, still waiting on something that appears to be very much gone. Dead. Lifeless. Something that doesn’t even exist. What exactly are you waiting for? There’s nothing there.

These are those days when nothing makes sense. You wonder if God even hears you. And you know He does. But you wonder if he even cares. Does he care that your heart hurts so much? Does he care that you can’t hang on any longer? Does he care that your hopes keep getting crushed?

These questions are very real.

That’s me today. It’s days like today when nothing makes sense. I don’t understand. Has the Lord forgotten about me? Has he stopped working in my life altogether?

Because today I feel forgotten. Today I feel invisible.

When you have sung the same song with hope, over and over for years, waiting to see fruit. “Faithful, you’re always faithful, you’re good…” And you keep waiting to see that fruit. But every day you check the garden and it looks no different than when you first planted the seeds. There is just dirt. No plants, not even so much as a tiny sprout.

Nothing.

And you’ve sung that song over and over, but now you find there’s no more hope left in your heart to sing it with. So you just have to sing it without hope.

The point is that you’re still singing it. Don’t stop singing the song of His faithfulness.

I’m not sure what to say anymore. I’ve sung, and hoped, and waited, and done all these things over and over again. I can’t see any sign of sprouting in my garden. I’ve stopped checking on my garden a few times, because I knew there would be nothing there, so why bother? Maybe it hurt too much to keep looking for signs, when I already knew there wasn’t going to be any.

And now? I’m still here. I can’t say what I wish I could. What I wish I could be writing just isn’t true.

How I wish I could be telling the happy ending of this story of waiting and hoping. How I wish I could be telling the suddenly part. The part when I noticed something in my garden. A sprout. And then another sprout. And another. And how they kept growing, fast. And then buds. And the suddenly of Him making all things beautiful just in time.

But that’s not what happened. That’s not what I get to tell.

I’m still looking at a garden with nothing in it. I’m still looking at the dirt. I’m still singing that song, but there isn’t a whole lot of hope left in it. I’ve seen dreams die. My heart has broken again.

But I’m still singing that song. Because no matter how much I want to, I can’t let go of His promises.

I can’t let go, because I have seen rainbows in the sky and seen His faithfulness with my own eyes. I can’t let go because in my heart of hearts I already know the ending of this story.

I’m not sure today how close I am to that ending. How close I am to all things beautiful just in time.

But I know one of these days I will be telling this very same story with full joy bursting out of my heart

because I get to tell the happy-ending.

2 thoughts on “so i won’t let go”

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