This isn’t going to be profound, and this isn’t going to be well put-together. It’s not going to make anyone really happy, and it’s not encouraging or enlightening. I didn’t write this for anyone, in fact, I wrote it just because I had to. And there’s a reason I chose to put it on here instead of in some journal that no one will ever see. This is me taking a step toward opening my heart, toward being bold and fearless. I didn’t edit this, and I don’t care. So, there you have it.
Have you ever had one of those days where it feels like you put your whole heart into everything you do, and somehow it’s not enough?
Which actually means:
YOU are not enough.
No matter how much you do, how much you give, or how much you put into something, it’s not enough.
I’m a very passionate person, and one thing about me is that I love. Nothing complex. I just love, and I love much. Sometimes I love too much, if that’s possible.
Sometimes I feel like I love everything, all the time. I see beauty everywhere and I see it in everyone. It’s because I’ve turned my heart to look for it. When your heart is tuned to see or hear something, then that is what it will see or hear, everywhere.
I’m extremely loyal, and if I am committed to you, I will always be. That’s how I am wired. Sometimes people do not return that loyalty to me, and it makes me want to never be that loyal again. But I keep on doing it, because that’s how I am.
Sometimes people just straight up overlook your heart. Sometimes they just completely overlook YOU. That has happened to me time and time again. I’m tired of loving so much only to have people not even notice, or if they notice, not even care.
That’s how my life feels, way more often than I would like.
I’m a quiet person but that doesn’t mean I don’t exist. Sometimes I get blown over by other people and sometimes people think they can just run me right over to get to where they’re going. One of my longest-standing battles is the battle for boldness. I’ve been learning my whole life how to speak up and be bold. Sometimes I just don’t, because I just can’t. And that’s when I need someone to fight for me. Yes, I am admitting that I am weak. I am not a strong, independent woman who doesn’t need anything or anyone. I need things, and I need someone. Not to define me or give me my identity, or do everything for me, but to lean on when I get weak, and to catch me when I collapse out of exhaustion or, because of my heart’s enormous capacity to love and be loyal, get burnt out, or worse, rejected.
Sometimes I don’t believe that there’s someone who would even understand all of this.
Actually, I’ve been having a really hard time believing that someone could actually love me. Which is so hard to admit, because I was born celebrated by parents who for years asked the Lord for a child, I was raised feeling wanted and loved, and I have had many experiences with God’s love. I don’t have a right to feel that way. Maybe someone who was abused as a child has the right to feel that way, but I sure don’t.
But the truth is that I do feel that way. I feel like I am hard to love. I feel like I’m too complex for someone to go through the trouble of really knowing me for real.
One of the biggest dreams of my heart is to be chosen, to be sought out, pursued, known and loved, and to stand by someone’s side and be with them; and for us to be with each other, and for the loyalty that I give over and over to be returned back to me. I want to be worth it in someone’s eyes, worth going after even if it may take a long time or it may take a fight.
I feel like as soon as someone gets to know me beyond the casual small-talk of acquaintance, they won’t like me anymore. They’ll walk away, because I’m not worth the trouble. It’s such a lie, but it’s one that I am having to grab by the horns to fight.
I believe that one so easily because of something that has happened to me since 6th grade. Like I said earlier, I am extremely loyal in heart.
I have liked guys in my life, but these periods never last for a few weeks or a few months. When I like someone, I like them for years. The last person I liked, I liked for 3 years, and the one before that, 4 years. Every time I have liked a guy, they have either 1. not noticed or 2. not cared. They either never notice me, or if they do notice, they don’t care, and they don’t like me back. It’s happened every time.
Eventually this wears on a girl’s heart.
Am I not good enough? What’s wrong with me? Am I invisible? Am I too much? Am I not enough? Am I just weird? I must be not worthy to be loved.
But the truth is that all of these little lies are really just one huge lie broken apart and put into small categories. What is that lie?
YOU ARE NOT WORTH IT
You’re not worth being chosen. You’re not worth being special to someone. You’re not worth someone loving you. You’re different. You’re not normal. Everyone else is chosen, but not you. Look, those girls all have a match, but you don’t. Look, all those men are the kind of men you’ve always hoped for, but they don’t want you, they want someone else, someone who is better than you. They want someone smarter, prettier, more talented, or more lovable. They want someone not weird, or annoying, or too quiet or too girly or too happy or …….everything that you are. They don’t want you. YOU’RE the problem. No one wants YOU.
This you are not worth it lie is the one I’ve been believing for way too long.
I’m tired of agreeing with lies. I’m tired of letting lies break my hope and shatter my encouragement.
Why is it so hard to agree with truth? It’s hard because it’s not tangible, it’s not in front of me, and I can’t see it.
I have to believe truth by faith. We can walk by faith without seeing. We can do it, though it’s hard.
But sometimes we need something tangible in front of us, something that we can see and touch and feel, to help us believe truths. I’m pretty much at that point. I need tangible evidence to give me the burst of strength I need to believe. I’ve outgrown the old encounter, and I need fresh encounter.
I know this sounds depressing, and trust me, this is not how I spend most of my days feeling. My heart is happy most of the time. But then there are those days. And those days are real. They’re not to be overlooked just because they’re few and far between. They are real, and quite possibly the culmination of a heart believing many small lies over the course of weeks or months, eventually resulting in the way a heart feels when it just needs…SOMETHING.
And, that’s all I have. I don’t have any profound revelation to throw into this post and make everything amazing. I don’t have any advice, or encouragement. I wish I did, but I don’t. All I have right now is raw reality. This isn’t going to end with a bang. It’s going to end, like this.
It’s just going to end.
Tomorrow I’m sure I will be happy again, but today, I just need one day where it’s okay to feel the way I do.
That’s all I have to say.