I’m not this girl. This isn’t who I am.
I’m not sure what happened, but as I’ve gone through the past couple of years, I don’t stop and examine the current state of my heart until a moment comes and I feel so far from who I once was, that I have to. And when I do, I find that I have drifted so far from that girl.
That girl who was so hungry for the Word that she was in it day and night because it gave her life and made her days full of freedom and peace. That girl whose thought life was clean and pure and whose mind was fixed on the things of God and the kingdom. That girl whose behavior in public and in private was pleasing to the Lord and an accurate representation of Him. That girl who listened to edifying music and read edifying things not because she was legalistic and striving for the image of religion, but because they were genuinely what she craved. That girl whose spirit was soaring in the knowledge of God’s love for her. Who felt free to be herself and a genuine version of herself because her identity was rock solid in Christ.
All I feel like now is an impostor. A girl who doesn’t read the Word for months because it feels stale and dry. Who listens to so much country music that it starts to feel like that’s who she is, that person. Who doesn’t crave the things of God anymore. Whose spirit doesn’t feel very alive, but just kind of stagnant – or in airplane mode. Not dead, but not alive either.
As I’ve come to notice that I feel this way, I also feel simultaneously a tenacity and rise in my heart to fight – to run hard – to pull myself back up into who I know I really am.
I know what some people will say – we change and evolve and don’t feel bad, you’re normal.
Well, I know it’s normal to grow and change, but there is something in me that’s saying quite persistently – I won’t settle for that. I won’t settle for this explanation that I have just grown up into a woman who has a good head on her shoulders and has experienced more and lived more and seen more of the world so now she has an accurate worldview and theology that has not very much to do with the basics of the true gospel anymore. A woman who has drifted off into some sort of “refined” faith and thinks she knows more now and therefore doesn’t need God so much.
Something in me is getting angry at that talk.
Because if I’m not a girl anymore, but have become a woman now, yet that woman has drifted from God and doesn’t really need Him that much anymore, that’s just NOT ok with me. I’d rather be the girl. I’d rather be the girl who was innocent and naive about some things but needed God for her every breath. I’d rather be the girl whose very life was sustained by the living Word.
I’d rather the world brush me off and call me naive, and God to call me wise, than for the world to say I’m smart and refined and God to say “I miss you”.
I am not saying I’d rather have my head in the clouds than have knowledge. But there comes a time when we can become so puffed up with knowledge and feel as though we have arrived as an intellectual and contemplative person – that we no longer have that raw and childlike need for God that we all genuinely have deep inside but don’t even realize.
Did you know that you are alive and breathing today because God chose to keep your heart beating another day? Did you know that God knew you before you were a fetus in your mother’s womb, and was sovereign over all things when it was 1992 and you were a toddler and knew nothing about anything? He’s the King of the Ages. And we are His creation.
We grow up and grow out of our sense of being that creation – but it doesn’t change the truth that we are, and will always be, the created. The lesser powerful being. The least wise. The least able to keep ourselves alive.
I’m sorry if it offends you to read that you need God, but you do.
If we truly understood how vast and uncontainable the world truly is, and were somehow able to step down from our high and mighty self-centered pedestals and understand how truly small we are in a great, huge world, we might start to see that we need Him again.
Something happens when we become older and wiser and start to feel as though we are the ones who made ourselves intelligent through study and research and our minds. We lose our dependency on God.
It’s true that we can increase our own knowledge and wisdom with study. I do not discount that fact. And I agree that we do have a part to play in the expansion of our own minds – it’s not as if God alone is the one who makes us wise. I’m not claiming that God is the only reason you know the things you know, because that just isn’t true. Part of it, a lot of it actually, is of our own volition.
But if our minds are expanding so much that they are getting too big for us to see our own place in the world and we are becoming the biggest and best thing in all the world because we can no longer see how small we are, that’s a problem. It’s deception. We are lying to ourselves.
I’ve sort of ventured off my original track with this post, but I’m glad I did. I need to be reminded that in God’s eyes, I am a baby. I am a child. I need Him for my very breath and my life.
I’m a grown woman, but if I am self-sufficient and lose my trust and dependency on God, I don’t want to be that woman anymore.
I want to go back to the girl who was alive and free and whose spirit soared every single day because she depended on her Creator for her very next breath. Who soaked up all the life that flowed from His word straight into her spirit like an IV flows straight into the veins, giving life and sustainment.
I need Him. I’m not this person anymore.
I’m no longer okay with brushing aside His words because they are stale and it doesn’t feel like they apply to me. I’m no longer okay with the things I watch and listen to making me dull and my inner soul lifeless. I’m no longer okay with the fruit I see coming from my life as I get angry in traffic, or swear when I become angry. I’m no longer okay with the stark impatience and anxiety I am a slave to every single day. None of this is who I am.
I am hungry. I am ready to be fed true, nourishing food. I want to be spiritually sharp and steady-minded. I love God with all my heart.
I’m tired of straying from Him. I’m tired of living with a lifeless heart.
I want a vibrant heart.
This is who I know I am:
I belong to Him. I am seen, known, and loved fully by Him. I am hungry for the things of God and thirsty for the living water of the Word. I bear fruit. I am patient. I am not anxious or angry. I am kind, gentle, peaceful. I bear the fruits of love, joy and peace in my life. I am a faithful servant. I am obedient to His commands, because His commands lead to life. I am confident in His love. I am secure in my identity. I am His child, His daughter. I trust Him. I walk by faith, not by sight. I don’t value the mind or intelligence more than the heart.
All these things and many more, are who I truly am.
I’m so glad that God doesn’t see me for who I’ve been the past 2 years, but for who I truly am, and for all I will be as I continue in Him. He doesn’t condemn, but always calls me higher and farther into my true identity.
With Him, I am convicted of my shortcomings, but never ashamed, because with His conviction comes hope – hope to rise up into my true identity and lay aside all that hinders.
Condemnation has no hope, and that’s why it drives you into shame. When I am condemned, I am hopeless to change. But with the true conviction of the Holy Spirit, I am filled with hope to lay aside the sin that so easily entangles and to become who He always meant for me to be.
Take heart today if you have been ashamed of who you’ve been – rise up, warrior, and become who you truly are.